The Arcive of Official vBulletin Modifications Site.It is not a VB3 engine, just a parsed copy! |
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#1
11-22-2002, 07:06 PM
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Thread for jokes
Here are some things i found, hope at least some of you can laugh about
 The George in question is none other than President Bush himself!!!!!! Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? ----------------------------------------------------------- On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italien men 1 Italien woman 2 English men 1 English woman 2 French men 1 French woman 2 Bulgarian men 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men 1 American woman 2 German men 1 German woman 2 Japanese men 1 Japanese woman 2 Greek men 1 Greek woman 2 Irish men 1 Irish woman One month later, on these absolutely stunnig islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occured: - One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. - The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m?nage ? trois. - The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternate visits with the German woman. - The two Greek men are having a coffee and playing cards together and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. - The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. - The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to the English island. - The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. - The two Irish men have divided their island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets foggy after several liters of coconut whiskey, but they're satisfied because the English aren't having fun. - The two American men are thinking of suicide because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, that she can do anything they can do, the division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping. 
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#2
11-22-2002, 07:16 PM
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LOL!!!
=-= Why are children and farts alike? . . . . . Because you always love your own =-= Mary had a little lamb, and a little duck...She put them on the mantelpiece to see if they would *ahem*  =-= Drunk man and a ghost There was this guy in the hospital, they gave him meds that made him think that he had to take a sh**, well twice he got up went to bathroom and nothing happened, so the third time he was like, bah, i'm not going to the bathroom just to do nothing. so he stayed in bed, well then he actually sh** in the bed, well he wanted to get rid of these spoiled sheets, so he took them to the window, and threw them out of it... At that time there was a old drunk dude wallking down the sidewal, and the sheet feel right on him, a security guard saw the whole thing and went running to him. while the security gaurd was coming the old man was fighting with the sheet, and when the guard got there , he could hardly keep from laughing , but he asked him if he was ok... And the drunk dude responded, yea i'm fine, but i think i beat the sh** out of that ghost... The End =-=  Satan
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#6
09-06-2003, 08:35 PM
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hehe, a great bump, but that one is for erwin here
 These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Touris Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy). A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. 16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. 17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 19. Q: I was in Australia in 1966 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 20. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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