How do you deal with being "Administrator"

[MrEyes]

Warning: Ranting below

My name is MrEyes and I have been an forum Administrator for almost a year. My addiction has been something of a roller coaster ride of incredibly high highs and depressing low lows.

Since starting my site in December last year it has grown far beyond any of my expectations, right now there are over 2000 active members (just under a quarter of which log-on everyday), 25k threads and almost half a million posts. The site is more than just a forum, there is an arcade, a reviews section, a free classifieds area and much more.

When I started the site I made a concious decision to be open, honest and verbose in my management of the site, changes are discussed and dissected by all members who choose to participate. I naively believed that this would create an atmosphere of "belonging". In reality this has created a community of whingers and conspiracy theorists. It sounds almost ridiculous but in the last year more threads have been created in the "Admin can I ask you something" & "Post Reports" areas than have been created in the primary site forum.

Over the last year I have been frustrated many times, as an example earlier this year is was necessary to add paid subscriptions to the site. Subscribers get additional benefits and the money they provide helps to pay for hosting costs etc. Without this the site would have died 6 months ago as I simply cannot justify or afford to pay for the site out of my own pocket. This created countless threads questioning my motives and accusing me of profiteering, no matter how many times I explain the reasons some just will not listen.

I am also sick of constant questioning relating to moderation, no matter what is done somebody will have a problem with it, either there is too little or too much, too harsh not harsh enough, should be given a second, third, forth chance, should be banned.

The straw that has broken the camels back occurred this weekend, a lot of members have asked about merchandise (i.e. t-shirts, stickers etc). The problem is that the original logo simply wouldn't work for this purpose so it was redesigned and launched this weekend. This has resulted in yet more criticism and more accusation of profiteering, even though this is only being done because members have asked for it the conspiracy theorists still believe that this is only happening so that I can somehow line my pockets.

I have reached a point where I am weary of the constant accusations of profiteering, criticism and above all the hypocrisy (the whingers whinge about how I am destroying the site yet they continue to visit and participate). These whingers are a minority however they are exceptionally vocal and I have noticed that recently they have started to influence people who would otherwise be "on my side".

Last night I was seconds away from pulling the plug but I was stopped by friends and the fact that people have paid for subscriptions. However I am seriously considering killing the subs system and when the last one runs out pulling the plug.

Some people have said that I shouldn't take this sort of stuff personally, after all it's only the "internet". The thing is it isn't just the "internet" running the site is almost a full time (unpaid) job so I invest a lot of my personal time. Time that I am starting to believe could be better spent elsewhere on something much more rewarding.

So how do you deal with it, how do you handle this sort of thing, what do you do to prevent your members from sending you to an early grave?