I found the thread I was thinking of, it was vbgallery, but it sounds like you don't have that. Have you tried disabling "Allow Users to Email Other Members" under email options in the admincp (is the spam going out to members or to arbitrary addresses)?
To answer one of your questions, in the file includes/functions.php there's the vbmail() function. You could probably edit that file and put in code to log the referer to a file.
If you have access to your web server logs you may be able to look there and figure out what's happening.
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