Those things with all the slashes? Those are regular expressions. They describe patterns for matching strings of characters and you can use the preg_replace function to replace one string of characters with another (or with a blank).
You'll never get anywhere with template conditionals, this has to be done at the php level. I'd work on it but I can't get a reliable connection to my server right now so I can't view any files.
Or do you mean plugins? Those are chunks of code inserted into files (well, sort of). Anyway you'll need one.
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