Let me make sure I'm understanding this: You placed a can of soup on the eye of the stove without opening it and didn't expect the result you got?
Didn't your parents ever teach you how to cook?

C'mon man I was cooking eggs by the age of 6!

Here I was thinking my buddy (who doesn't understand what pre-heating the oven means) was a poor cook...and a long you come with a story like this.
Follow your own advice...stay out of the kitchen.
This makes me want to set-up my "Brad's guide to cooking for lazy guys and stoners" site even more.