Jokes
 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor,"I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

At the cinema a man noticed a hot woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was pleasuring herself furiously.

He moved to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started pleasuring her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

:eek: :D

Why don't we make a thread dedicated solely to jokes, rather than making 5 at a time :)

Merged into one.

*snicker*

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

:D .

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Did you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I did. How did you know?" The man stood up, cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for brighten up my day haha!
Didn´t expect to find jokes here on the forum.

RayGor

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.

Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b1tch tonight, Roger!"

Haha, really chuckled hard on the scooby dooby part.

An Irish man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Corned Beef Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for money, he walks up to the bar and calls over the very hot blonde serving drinks to a bunch of drooling men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she giggles "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your dam hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. Ive seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - dont you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?
MAN: Okay, Id get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

LMFAO!!!!

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes"

Great thread! Here's another joke:

Catch A Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

they are cool, good job ;)

How to tell if your bum smells! :D

















https://vborg.vbsupport.ru/

took me a while to work out what that was on her

I love this joke very much. This Jokes category is indeed the best in vbulletin. Keep sharing the jokes.

<a href="http://www.ausphotography.net.au/forum/showthread.php?14432-Photographic-Humor-(Jokes" target="_blank">http://www.ausphotography.net.au/for...c-Humor-(Jokes</a>)

A friend of mine works in a camera store. The other day a very
confused looking woman approached the counter and handed my friend
a camera. She said "I took pictures, but I forgot to have film in
the camera. Can you please get them out of the camera for me?"

______________

One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend. Things
started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to
develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but
she said it would all come out in the wash.
The Black & White photo process summarized...
why, what were you thinking?

______________

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

Oh good gawd! Stinky stinky o.O

Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit.

The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

The clerk said, Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "That's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day..

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... ..."Two Popsicles and some coffee."